back to blogging :P

well guess c a la mode ;) been ages since i was last here guess now ill b able to get back here a bit more often .. ill say ill try to blog everyday but that could b dangerous if i cant make it :p
well its more of a need i should say .. that ill blog just not to get in a vicious cycle ;)

i know very often my lastest post though have been kind of vey senti :( sad ones.. guess these are the times when you feel more the need to write to clear inside .. to make some move and space..to evacuate the pain .. the gloom inside..

so watch out.. ill try to update everyday ;)

if i wasnt what i am .. would i then b the one you wanted .. and hoped for ...

do you sometimes feel that all your existence doesn not hold any damn importance.. no matter what you might do .. no matter how hard you might try .. yet
it is found not enough ..
never was it enough nor will it be enough ... for there will always be someone better off than you ...
and youll always fall behind.. not enough close..
never will you be accepted for what you are nor be rewarded and apreciated for the effort you have given .. rather youll b judged , youll b compared to others... a fault here a fault there.. there will always be something where youll fall short of.. and not match what they want from you..
in the process to be what they want you to be
you fall , you get bruised , you cry your heart out.. youll bleed .. but yet it wont be enough again.. you erase yourself out .. cut yourself wipes your identity to mould yourself to there image .. but again not enough..
sometimes then when all of them hammers it back to you that it is not enough .. you donnot find any other way then run .. run away ..
coward you might say but then sometimes being a coward seems the best way out..
tonite i stand and ask myself the question does it even matter if i exist or not.. will it make a difference if i suddenly disappear.. will they even notice I aint there.. i fear to listen to the answer for my heart tells me NO it wont make a difference..
i sit down and ponder.. cry my heart out.. keep bleeding inside do i do it? i close my eyes .. let the last tear drop roll down my cheeks .. a shattered soul .. an aimless self.. a nobody .. i stand up .. the urge to end even more ..

why cant they for once accept me as i am .. why do i need to b a reflection on another.. why do i feel like the mere medium for them to achieve their end.. over and over again am reminded of the sacrifices they did .. over and over agaiin they remind me of the debts i owe them .. again and again i feel helpless.. lost .. confused.. shattered.. torn into pieces .. they see their sole plight .. and my state is left in the dark.. again i shall shut myself up in the dark .. thoughtss runing down my head .. screaming deep inside end it all.. just end it all.. these echoes might finally be a reason fot them for once to see me and only me ...

turmoil in her mind...

shes been having questions running down her head for a while.questions , about life, about her life, about the future .. about the past.. about the present.
she sat down by her window looking at the kids playing outside.. she saw a young girl .. of about 14 she was laughing and smiling so brightly .. the joy of life could b seen from her face..looking at that girl She went back in her past..she was once carefree..like that girl like a bird .. she was inexperienced from the manacles of life..unaware of the future pains and troubles.. she saw life like a road full of rose petals ...
now she had blossomed into a fine young lady ..yet her life wasn't as she thought it would be ,,
she had observed that the pain of the past..were good source of inspiration

it gave her a sense of direction.. anger and despair had become productive feelings ..made her feel powerful ..

but smtime those very emotions were killing her making her die a silent death..she felt imprisoned within herself.. in her thoughts that kept her in bondage. in bondage not to break through and rebel .. in bondage to close up on herself and live with pain inside.

she had dreams, desires yet all she could do was to brush aside all that. she wasn't allowed to let them out.. she would b tagged as the most ungrateful creature ever. this society around her wanted her to live only for them ..her life she had no hand ..no right over it.. she was living her life like a prisoner. each passing minutes and events of her life was an ordeal for her .. constantly making her cry tears of blood ..as she asked herself who she really was.. what her life was really meant to be.

she was living a dual life.. a battle going on in her mind within her.. and a smile she had to make up for the world outside. what worst death to die than dying within.. being suffocated within your own mind.. trapped and helpless..

but ironically though that same prison allowed her to wander around.. if there was a place where she was free to move even though it was in thoughts.. she could..
she was often lost in her thoughts... thoughts about the way she would have liked her life to be.. but they were mere thoughts.. thoughts that were so often shattered as she was brought back to reality ..


she tried find her hope .. her light at the end of the tunnel.. but nothing provided her that security.. all she she wished for sometimes was death.. but then death as well didnt want any of her. she had seen death so close ..that the fear of death left her indiferent. infact it had left her like a walking corpse.. a soul living just becoz this body of hers had breaths still going on.. and nothing more. she had lost interest in everything.

she was now living a life that was not hers anymore.. a mere stereotype of survival..
giving up all signs of hope .. or wish of any kind..she had left all.. was had become that withered leaf from that gigantic tree.. that fell to the ground and was lifted and thrown around by the winds of time .. she let herself go to where the winds led her..
life was nothing much for her anymore. she sat there by that same window.. blank.. looking out at the bare sky..all she managed to do in this whirlpool of emotions going on in her mind was cry... tears rolled down her cheek as she felt her throat tightened.. her heart shrink and pain .. and a desire to let go of herself ..
she wanted to just jump in the emptiness below her .. to fall.. and fall..in an emptiness.. she wanted to feel that sensation of lightness as she would close her eyes and let the burden of this body fall..

but unfortunately the bang on the door brought her back to this reality she was living in.. she closed her eyes and the tear drop tickled down her cheeks.. a swift movement of her hands and she brushed it away .. and answered YEs ..and went back to her nightmare.. a nightmare she was having with open eyes..

Her life..was nothing..she was nothing.. sometimes she thought whether she was really alive and existent :s or she was just a thought lost in the head of a mad person.. or was she herself mad ..